Hi. I'm Vivien. and I will tell you a little about me. first some ground rules: since it's a blog, everything has no limits. I can write whatever, however, whoever I want. whatever I write here is MY prerogative and there will be no judgements whatsoever in myself or from others. and if other people read it and judge me on this, well screw them:) and if at any point I'm starting to not like this, I can end this without any regrets.
I'm now at a metamorphosis stage right now. from the time that I started school in Vancouver until now, I have been generally miserable at various levels. I saw things very pessimistically, was uberly sensitive, and felt that the world didn't understand me. the past five years even more so. I took up skating at a very young age and since then it had been my world, my passion, and my passion, again, felt like no one understands. the feeling is kinda like Edward Scissorhand. I jump the other way, I write with my left hand, so many things felt very inconvenient to me. I have had trouble following class since I started school, and in skating every practice, I always felt that I had to prove myself in order to get my space in practice sessions because I'm always afraid of getting into people's way when I jump or spin. hence, I get picked on by my peers in school. my mother, of all people, most loyal to me, couldn't understand and always blame things on me. so growing up, I felt inadequate, lonely, insecure, and the only way to hide that was to do the exact opposite. talk a lot, have opinions on everything, make people notice me, etc. I'm extra sensitive, because I was desperate for people to at least come up to me, talk to me, at least make me feel special and the thrill of competitive figure skating gave me just that. that world gave me the validity that hard work does pay off and that I should let other people push me around like a doormat. but skating won't last forever, my mother always says. she, like everyone else in my family, wanted me to quit, the minute private lesson rolled around. she told me, it's too expensive, you can just skate for fun. she always had that mindset, and when I got competitive, she told me that skating isn't your life, give up and coach. everyone ends up being a coach. so at the ripe age of 18, I stopped. and the worst of the worst started.
when I left high school, my self esteem was at an all-time low, I had no idea what I wanted to do, no life experience, no work experience, I was scared to death at the word responsibility or the word independence, yet I was pressure by society to prove that I can be responsible, I can be independent. but I was wrong. I was totally in the wrong mindset. my approach in life was selfish, self-centred, egotistical, and I never finish anything. I wanted perfection, but I spent way too long thinking or drifting, that I never finish anything. maybe I was so obsessed in the validity of my peers and my profs that I was set on finding creativity instead of creation itself. in other words, I was so focused on creativity that I forget to produce anything in every post secondary I went to. The same applies to my love life.
It was a mess, and it still is. I started with a crazy as my first boyfriend, I guess it's based on compassion and my cure of loneliness and maybe just to get some experience under my belt, but whatever it is, he's not love. my second one, even worse. used as a mistress/fling. My third, epic fail, in the most literal sense. emotionally abusive, toxic, unhealthy, torturous, it was the worse actual relationship I had with a guy. things he does, doesn't really make sense at all, but he blames it all on me. as a result, I abused myself for a full year without him. I guess if you think that loneliness is consider an abusive drug, then that year with out him is considered very sad because I started going to random hook-ups just so that I wouldn't feel lonely without him. this went on and off (I part of me then DID wanted to start over) until I met him. For some reason, after I met him, I started to do better in life. we were still casual partners then, but since we started, I stopped seeing other guys, even under temptation. he has this vibe that makes me wanna be a better self. like for example, work on my confident, going back skating, taking yoga class, and so on. but I'm not doing all this for him, he just inspired me to do better in life. do what I like doing, work on my self esteem, stand up for myself for once. he's really kind, but he's again, not that into me. we're still casual partners up until this stage and I just found out that when he graduates, he's going to go back to Toronto again, perhaps permanently.
I know up til now, this may sound a bit sad, but honestly, right now, I'm a way better self. I want to do better in life, I want to live my dream (I will talk about later), big dreams, I want to really work on myself, I want others to take me seriously, and so far I'm at the beginning of my journey right now.
